Life Through A Stutterer's Perspective: My Stuttering Story

My favorite baseball player, George Springer, also stutters.

Introduction: Where do I even start? That was the first question that entered my mind when I first thought of the idea of writing about my stuttering journey and experience. Going into this, I knew that I would have to think back on my life, revisit some positive and negative moments, and somehow translate it into words in the only way that I know best, by writing.

Sure, I could physically talk to anybody about it, but that would take much much longer for me, as I have a hard time getting my words out. Writing allows me to not skip or avoid words that I normally would when I am actually talking to people in real life. The previous statement is why I love writing so much, simply because I have the freedom of what I want to say!

The following, is my personal stuttering story, and as a result, I think I finally found all of the words that I really wanted to say. I hope anyone who decides to read my story enjoys it, as much as I did writing it!

Edit: Wow, International Stuttering Awareness Day has come around once again, I cannot believe it. When I first shared this post two years ago in 2021 I was really nervous to share my "stuttering story", but now I almost look forward to sharing it because I want my story to be heard and to ultimately reach someone. As a result, if my story reaches just one person and makes some sort of an impact, then I consider to have done my job.

October 22nd is a day that I always circle on my calendar each year. The days leading up to posting this article I always seem to get a bit more anxious than usual, as I almost think of it as like I am preparing for a big game.

A lot of mixed emotions go into this post. Anything from crying to laughing has occurred while writing this article, as all of my thoughts about stuttering combined with my past experiences and memories seem to land right onto the screen in front of me.

Each year when I open this post back up to add any new thoughts it gives me a good opportunity to reflect on my stuttering journey and see how far I have come over the last 18 years. Simply put, stuttering is such a big part of my life, but it does not define who I am, and it never will.

All in all, I hope to be an encouragement to anyone who has clicked on this article and who has given their time to read it, I really do appreciate you!

Sure, writing about sports is fun, but I feel like this post in general is the most important one that I share for others to read. This article shows the "personal side of Adam" and not the "sports fanatic side of Adam", as there is so much more to life than sports. At the end of the day sports are not that important once you have gone through real-life challenges and hardships in your life.

With all of this being said, below you will find my stuttering story told from my perspective. I hope you all enjoy!

Personally, I began stuttering at the age of five. Luckily, I do not remember speaking what people would consider "normal" which is a good thing because it would have been an even worse situation, so stuttering is all that I have known for my whole life.

Now 22 years-old and after 18 years of having this "disability" I have gotten used to it, but boy it gets old and it is annoying! Stuttering is also frustrating and exhausting, as it makes me tired having to use a lot of energy to just get words out. I do not like waking up every day knowing that at some point I am going to stutter over and over again. Trying to say something and not being able to get it out without getting stuck and repeating certain words and sounds is one of the worst feelings in the world. Stuttering for me is even worse when I am excited or nervous. Although I find it odd that I do not stutter at all when I sing or as much when I am watching or talking about sports... go figure.

Imagine never being able to break a tackle in football, that is what stuttering feels like, never being able to break free from getting stuck over certain words or sentences that you are trying to say. Honestly, it feels like I am in a stuttering prison unable to escape. I do not wish stuttering on anyone, it is an awful feeling and thing to face daily. As I always say, "Stuttering is just unneeded stress and anxiety."

Sometimes, I will want to just scream or yell randomly in frustration because I cannot get a simple word out of my mouth without having to repeat it several times. Often times, sweat will form on my forehead, as well as on the palms of my hands if I get stuck on a word for a certain length of time. My whole body seems to get tense, as I have to sometimes start the sentence all over again and slow down. All the while, my stomach seems to drop, as the person I am talking to waits and waits and waits until I can finally get the words out.

The people that I have talked to over the course of my life must have a lot of patience, as I have always wondered what they are feeling and thinking when I get stuck on certain words, as they cannot help but just stare at me or look in a different direction. After the conversation has ended, I often consider it embarrassing if I got stuck on certain words, even though I cannot control it. As a result, I will think about the specific conversation for weeks or even months after and think back on the words I struggled with.

The majority of people that I have come in contact with, if I were assuming, probably feel bad that I have to go through this and live with this disability on a daily basis. The truth though is that I am just living my life to the best of my ability with a smile on my face, as I try to not think about my stuttering, although it is a tough task. Like I mentioned earlier, I am so used to my stuttering by now, that I am NOT going to let it affect the way that I live my life. Just imagining myself doing that makes me sick to my stomach!

As you would imagine, I was made fun of and picked on in school and as a result I hated speaking in class, and I still do not like talking in public. Being picked on in general is something that I dealt with starting in middle school, as it continued into my high school years. Even if my stuttering was not the issue, it was something else, which I will never understand. It seems as if kids, or even adults, are just searching for or finding things to make fun of, almost as if they are desperate and need extra attention or to make themselves feel better. As a result, I can remember all of the times that I was picked on in school, including where I was, who was involved, what grade I was in, etc. Trust me, I have never forgotten those things and never will. Those moments of my life have stuck with me, as I think about those times every so often. Believe it or not, it still hurts and stings today even after years have gone by.

If a person or a group of people wanted to make fun of me and somehow found joy out of it, then that is their problem. Knowing this, I will never understand how a person can feel good about themselves when they have hurt another person in the process. During these times, this really showed me who my true friends really were and who had my back when times were tough. As hard as those times were, I feel like I became a stronger person and for that I will be forever grateful. I hope that those kids who picked on me learned something from it and grew as an individual person. We are all human beings and we all make mistakes, nobody is perfect. Sometimes messing up allows us to do better in the future. Not learning from our mistakes obviously means that we have not grown, which could turn out bad in this journey that we all call life. All I can do now is wish them all the best, as I hope and pray that they do not act like this towards others in the future.

Now having been out of high school for four years, when I hear of kids being made fun of, my heart goes out to them, as I tend to cringe a little bit. As a result, I then tend to think back on all the times that I was bullied. Whether it be jealousy, wanting to take out their emotions on another person, or something else, odds are the person making fun of them are very immature and insecure with themselves.

Believe it or not, some days are harder than others to wakeup and have a positive attitude, as it my mood seems to change every so often based off of my stuttering. Some days I may be happy, while others I may be sad or angry. I try to not let stuttering bother me too much, as I do my best to always have a positive mindset, always have a smile on my face, and not complain or make excuses for myself, because I know that my situation could be much, much worse. Sometimes, I will question God and just ask why has He given this speech impediment to me? The answer though is simple: He has given me this speech impediment so that He can use me for His good and for His glory. Most importantly though, I know that God has a plan for me and that is all that matters.

A lot of the time, I always try to think of how people I come in contact with will think of me. Thoughts always go through my head such as: Will they judge me because I speak differently? Have they ever came in contact with someone who has stuttered before? Will they feel comfortable around me? Will they act differently towards me? How will they react? As you would imagine, the list of questions keeps going. Of course I am nervous as well, specifically if it is someone I have never met before. The majority of people I have come in contact with in my life though do not consider it a problem which I think is awesome and fantastic! Having the mindset of not caring what others might think is the biggest key for me, as I need to focus on just being the best version of Adam that I can be.

Words cannot express how much I appreciate all of the people and friends who accept me and take me for who I am as a person and who can also block out my stuttering as a whole, as it takes a strong person to do that! I hope that one day I will overcome my stuttering as a whole, but until then I keep praying and asking God for His help along the way. Any improvement in my speech is a huge step in the right direction.

Before my grandpa (Pops) passed away last November, he would always tell me for years that he prayed for my speech every night before he went to bed. For some reason that memory has always stuck with me, as it is a constant reminder for me to keep going, never give up, and most importantly trust God and His plan always.

Remember that God NEVER EVER makes mistakes. He knows what He is doing at all times, as He deserves all the honor, praise, and glory in the end. With God ALL things are possible!

Edit: Believe it or not, I never really had a favorite Bible verse in my life up until a few weeks ago when I ran across John 13:7. This verse in my opinion sums up my stuttering journey that God has taken me on for the last 17 years perfectly. I may not realize now why He has given me this speech impediment or other challenges for that matter, but later I will understand. The last half of the verse gives me chills, as I knew as soon as I read it that this one stood out among the rest:

John 13:7: "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

Final Thoughts: This is one of the few times that I have written about my stuttering experience and have told people about it publicly. Although it took a lot of courage, energy, as well as a few tears to write this, I want people to know that stuttering is an issue not to be taken lightly. The whole reason why I created this blog besides to write about sports of course, is to express myself through writing because of my speech impediment.

I hope I have given you all a good picture and point of view of what a stutterer goes through on a daily basis from someone who lives it every day.

Feel free to share this post with anyone you know, as I would love for my story to encourage others! Do not feel scared or nervous to reach out to me on social media via Facebook or by following me on Instagram @adam_dawson_4 as I would love to be able to connect with you, as well as answer any questions that you all may have about stuttering!

See you at the Ballpark!!!

Adam